The love for my daughter is so intense.
I remember the first day I got home from the hospital I had moment of crying because I realized life as I knew it was different – in a great way, but different non the less. And I’m not referring to all the time and energy it takes to take care of a baby. I’m talking about the love that consumes you. How could I ever leave her?
How could I ever go back to work? How will I be able to say goodbye to her when she goes off to college?
I will always put her first now. I will always want to do better for our family. I will always worry about her. This love has changed everything. Nothing can prepare you for that feeling and it’s really quite overwhelming. The first week I cried almost every night saying to Casey “I just love her so much!”.
Since I was 18, I was making my own decisions for the most part. Choosing what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it. I could plan my workouts and schedule my free time. I had plenty of time to relax and take care of myself. I said goodbye to that luxury as soon as she arrived.
It’s been hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I can’t plan for much these days and when I sleep, eat or get dressed, is not really up to me most of the time.
It’s been a little challenging to accept that I don’t have control over my day. I would love to know that at X time, I will get an hour to myself. But realistically I don’t know when that hour will come if it comes at all. I know this will get better as she gets older (it already has).
My new day-to-day life.
My life went from making breakfast, getting work done (work that I really enjoy), working out, walking my dog and enjoying an evening with my husband…to waking up anytime between 4-6am (or both), feeding, playing on the floor, rocking babe to sleep. REPEAT 5TIMES. Going to sleep at 8pm. REPEAT EVERYDAY.
It can feel like I’m in someone else’s life. I LOVE spending my day with Teagan and really don’t ever want to be away from her, but it is hard to get used to a very different life.
This has for sure been the hardest adjustment of all. I’ve always wanted to be excellent at all my jobs and work very hard to obtain that (I’m sure most of us do). The great thing about that is that I’m working really hard to be the best mom to Teagan.
The downside is that I put a lot of pressure on myself. I spend most of my free moments researching sleeping, breastfeeding or other parenting topics. I’m usually pretty good about not comparing myself to other people, but
I’ve had a hard time not comparing myself to other moms since she’s been born, mainly when it comes to sleeping. Teagan likes to be held when she naps, and sleeps right next to me in bed at night. I struggle with this. I see so many other babies sleeping without being held.
I know she will not sleep in my arms forever, and I know it’s not hurting her to get lots of mommy time, but I struggle with the guilt that I’m not able to ‘fix’ this or that I’m doing something wrong.